3 Wishes for the World

Let me take you back to the era of my childhood. Back to when I thought grown ups had it easy and I had yet to be formally introduced to a proper hair brush. Everyone in my so-catholic-we-had to-kneel-in-the-hallway-to-prove-our-plaid-coolots-were-an-appropriate-length junior high school had to write an essay on the subject of wishes. We all had to imagine a genie popped out of a lamp and granted us the power to wish for the three things we wanted more than anything else in the world.

And so I thought long and hard. When I was younger I didn't yet understand the usefulness of money, power or beauty and I was much to uncool to even imagine popularity, so I wished for the only thing that had any value to my little nerdy mind: I wanted to be able to speak every language in existence. And that was it. I squandered my other two wishes because, "There's nothing else I want."

Well. It's years later and I never did manage to learn much of any language. I took three years of french in high school which amounts to the ability to know when others are speaking french. Sometimes.

Which leaves me to wonder: If I had three wishes now, now that I'm older and somehow "wiser", what would I wish for? I still think money, power and beauty are completely overrated. Why not make some wishes that could help everyone out? Here are the things I would wish for:


All cars should be equipped with two different car horns.
How many times as a driver have you wanted to give a polite little hint to the person in front of you? You want to communicate, "Sir? I think you may be turning the wrong way down a one way street. Maybe you should take a moment and consider your actions." But because you only have one car horn, it comes out like this, "SIR?!? ARE YOU COMPLETELY BLIND?! GET OUT OF THE INTERSECTION IF YOU CAN'T READ THE STREET SIGNS! ME ANGRY! ARRRRRRGH!!"

Enough, I say. We need two horn settings. One that can still go, "BEEEEEEEP!" for those truly angry moments. But we need another, nicer one that can go, "...beep?"
It would make the world a much more pleasant place.

Mandatory weekly puppy sessions
Having a pet is scientifically proven to extend a person's life expectancy. They reduce stress, increase physical activity and are so friggin' adorable only the most heartless would turn down a good romp with a puppy. This my friend Margret's Pug puppy, Penelope:



I challenge anyone to spend an hour with a dog as cute as this and still manage to be in a bad mood. If everyone was required to spend time with a puppy once a week, the national need for Prozac would hit a steady decline.

Instead of alphabetical order, things should be in AWESOME order
When I open my iTunes to introduce a friend to an awesome song, the first thing that pops up is an embarrassing copy of Annie, the Musical. Usually I laugh awkwardly and feel the need to excuse it, "Ha. Ha, yeah... Um. I keep it for sentimental reasons," softly humming "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow" under my breath. If things were in awesome order, when I open iTunes the first things to pop up would be awesome bands like Florence + The Machine or Girl Talk. Problem solved!

Also, high school graduations. Instead of being called in alphabetical order (boring and predictable), students would be called in awesome order. And I mean truly awesome people first. For instance, the science Olympiad guy who was nice to everyone for four years and tells some pretty great jokes would be called first. The mean girl who cared more about her tan than people's feelings would be called last. It would be a celebration for those who are well on their way to becoming awesome adults and a wake up call to those individuals who are clearly terrible and may need to do some self-evaluation.


Those are my wishes for the world. Maybe some glorious day they'll come true. If they do, you know where to find me so you can thank me.

Chicago the Beautiful

Recently I had my camera on hand for my morning walk to work. I decided to play paparazzi with the Chicago skyline. If New York is the city that never sleeps, Chicago is the city that loves to wake up.

Transformers = Family Bonding

This week Michigan Avenue had the great distinction of being ripped to shreds in honor of the next "Transformers" movie. The film has been shooting for almost a week on The Magnificent Mile and now they've set up battle camp over on Wacker Drive. Aside from dealing with tourists walking at record breaking slow paces, it's been a treat to see images of what our city would look like if evil robots decided to shake things up a bit.



More amazing than observing a movie in the making was what happened when I sent my family this picture:

I emailed this display of endless action movie money to my brother, sister and father. Here is my father's response:

"OMG ! as long as you are ok I am ok. I hope nobody got hurt ! Dad"

This email is amazing for numerous reasons, but let's just hit the best two:

First, It never even occurred to me that this is an image that would set a parent on edge. Of course if I send my Dad a picture of the street near my office being blown up, he's going to be a little concerned. I assured him it was all in the name of movie magic and no one was hurt in the process of the above fire ball.

Second, I have NEVER seen my father use the term "OMG". Is he trying to give me a heart attack by way of cute? The added exclamation point tips the short expression from slightly out of place to completely delightful in its absurdity. My father is not actually a 13 year old girl, but he is entirely adorable.

OMG! Indeed.

A Suggestion for a Less Than Exciting Day

Need some spice in your life?
Are the standard spontaneous practices of taking a new route home from your 9-5er, or trying a "unique" dining experience not cutting it anymore?
Do you find yourself saying, "If I hear one more Justin Beiber song, I will punch a pedestrian"?

Look no further! Next time you have a craving for strangeness, follow one easy step: Slap on a mustache!



With one simple stroke of spirit gum, you can successfully create not only a great conversation starter, but a sure fire conversation stopper! Who will be able to focus on a topic of conversation when they are filled with envy over your impressive mustache? No one! Mustaches inspire confidence. The people who wear them are distinguished. Powerful. Impossible to take seriously.

Some of you may be worrying, "But what if I put on a mustache and people think I'm too ridiculous?"
Fret not! Simply add a monocle!


Instant added intelligence!
Have you ever challenged someone who sports an impressive mustache and wields a monocle?
I didn't think so.

So go ahead! Slap on some fake hair and let your inner Victorian British gentleman take over!